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Kylie Rae
13 August 2015 @ 07:52 pm
I'm 18. I'm ana dult but why do i feel like im 13?

I still have to ask permission to go outside because my parents have something voer me. If i disobey them i get left alone. Im terrified of being alone. I can't go on a walk, I don't have friends, I can't do anything!

My mother sits there and says something bad could happen. Like what? Im going around the block, in day light. I can't say I'm an adult because i don't know if i can handle being treated like one. I'm still in high school.

By this age I was supposed to be pretty, have an active social life, fall in love, and go to college. In reality I'm jsut confined to my room. People give me shit for it, but where else am I supposed to go?

When i get around my family they just ignore me anyways.

I'm so lonely. God, some help me please.
Current Location: my fucking room
Current Mood: crying
Current Music: Augustana - Boston
Kylie Rae
03 August 2015 @ 08:50 pm
Name your top three musical artists of all time (individuals or bands). Why do you love them so much? What song would you pick from each of them that you feel is their best work?
LIGHTS - I've always loved the electronic type sound she always put on her music. Her voice is adorable and I've been a fan of her now for 4 years. I found her when I would listen to owl city because people say she was like the female version of Adam.

Paramore - I've been listening to paramore for 7 years now and I became a fan when I was like 10 back in 07 when misery business came out and I would always waste time on IMVU. I went through a terrible emo phase back then, but I still love them because their music means so much to me and every time I listen to RIOT! I feel nostalgic.

It's hard to choose a third because I love a lot of bands such as tegan and sara, one direction, an horse, one ok rock, etc etc... so I'm just gonna leave the third one to one of thoe bands ^.^
Kylie Rae
03 August 2015 @ 12:24 am
What were your biggest plans for 2015 when the year began? With the year over half gone now, how have your plans progressed and/or changed? If you could change one thing that has happened so far this year, what would it be and why?
I wanted to make friends, get my licence, and get all a's for the upcoming school year.

so far, I have done none of that. School also hasn't started yet, but its hard to make friends when you're an 18 year old home schooled kid.

This year is going by too quickly
Kylie Rae
02 August 2015 @ 11:03 pm
Am I the only one who wonders
Such beauty in skin, but skin deep as beauty
Look at one picture changed my mind
a glass that separates us and time
what happens now?

Looking at her saying she is mine
you don't have to be romantic
but my heart can shatter because you have it
Nothing has to be intimate, but we are infinite
Two hearts joined as one, disagree to the degree of the sun.

we are, we always are. We were, what we were.
Could we even care to explain,
that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and you behold all.

My angel its time
time to fly away, this place isn't us
we don't belong in such hate.
My love, sometimes I wish I never met you
It hurts and burns when I look at you

My heart couldn't even stay away
hands and knees, eyes to feet
I was at your wake
Now here were waiting for our fate to give us another day.
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Scars On 45 - Hearts On Fire
Kylie Rae
02 August 2015 @ 08:15 pm
I nearly forgot about this place.

      The last time I used it was when I was 15 to rant about my life when struggling with depression. I am sad to see this and realized things didn't really change. In fact, I was in better shape then than I am now. When I was 15 I was in a public school, had friends, and could occasionally stay home by myself and not be afraid. Now I hate those friends I made, Im home schooled, and i can't even stay with my step dad without feeling like I'm going to die.

      What's sad is that these friends still only care about themselves. My one friend keeps getting guys and saying they're getting married, then comes running to me asking where things went wrong when it all goes to crap. She is the same friend that told me to kill myself when I was 15 because I told her off for talking badly about me when I was the only one who was there for her.

      I still haven't forgiven her for that. I was in a really dark place. I was questioning my sexuality, which is really scary. I was suicidal, had panic attacks. Things were bad. She made a fake account with her then boyfriend and harrassed me. She said things like, "You're only gay because you can't get a guy" or calling me fat. I know it doesn't sound bad, but I still have all those messages. It was worse than what I'm telling you. My dad printed out the conversation and said if it happened again eh was going to the police.

     They still think I was in the wrong for threatening the police for that. It was all my fault it went down, thats what people say. Now they expect me to be there for them. The worst part ...she doesn't ever ask me if I'm okay.

     My sister started suffering with anxiety and I'm always told to be there for her and get yelled at when i go to my room when we're in the same house. Yet, she can go to another town and leave me hanging when I need her.

     I'm tired of being used. This is why I feel like I don't have a purpose here. I'm just everyones little doll that they pick up when they are bored and need to play, then drop me when something better comes along.

    Why do people do this to me? I can't trust anyone. I just want to runaway and never look back. I want to be saved. No one gives a damn though.
Current Location: My room
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Thriving Ivory - Flowers for a Ghost
Kylie Rae
17 October 2012 @ 03:59 am
From a different point of view out of millions. A god is watching down on us. My life I believe I have wasted it, I have gave it no meaning. If I died I would go through judgement, I hate confrontations, I can't escape. You can't escape. Think about it. Even if you don't believe in a God. Could you escape? Maybe if you're asleep but how do we  know if our souls aren't off in another demention that we don't know about. Maybe that is why we dream of people. The world is a beautiful place even if you love skylines or trees. You could love both. your reality is what you make it. It doesn't have to politics or going in debt. I learned that today form a woman named Joy. Think but don't fool yourself. Think with your heart not your head. Its hard to understand in different situations but THINK about it. Anything.
Current Location: Room
Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Current Music: These times - Safteysuit
Kylie Rae
17 October 2012 @ 03:49 am
I ended up going to Rescue. I told my counselor i called suicide prevention so she called Rescue after I told her everything. EVERYTHING. I thought Rescue was just a place until I got up there. It was a mental hospital, they wanted to admit me but they had no more beds left. So right now that is a last resort. There is only 3 solutions available. I told the people I thought I could trust but they ended up treating me like shit and didn't even look at me. One even threatened to hurt herself if I did. Why would they do that? I stuck by these two through so much but the little support I needed they couldn't be there for just a split second. They later called an apologized though, my friends mom took the phone away form her and told me to knock it off because it wasn't worth it. I know these people are there for me. I know I have support, but does that mean these feelings are gone within the snap of your fingers? No! I'm sorry I feel this way. I never meant too. I'm finally getting the love from people that always acted like they hated me, it is weird. Its not like I was almost gone. i didn't even take pills or anything, I just called the hotline. Now everyone is treating me differently. Well, my family at least. Friends, I love them to death. I don't know what I would do if something happened to them. There is some thing I want to get out and I think it might be driving me crazy but I'm not sure of it. So why tell someone like i'm sure if I am not?

Sorry I made this catastrophe, I didn't mean too.
Current Location: Home;Room
Current Mood: embarrasseddrained,depressed,ashamed
Current Music: Naked - Tracy bonham
Kylie Rae
15 October 2012 @ 07:53 pm
So yesterday my sister painted my face as a sugar skull and I told her to paint an upside down cross. I took off all the make up except for the cross and took pictures. My mom seen and told my sister what it meant. She felt like crying and then I got yelled at for it and the cross wasn't what it was meant for but yet i still got chewed up about it. I didn't mean it like that. I guess I looked 'evil' I guess I used it in the wrong way. On top of that I have school to worry about. My friend is damn suicidal. While I'm trying to keep my grades up and her alive I have to worry about myself. I want to kill myself. I hate what I do and what i did. I'm tired of not being the perfect angel. I'm tired of all these pot smoking, bible-thumping teenagers telling me about God when they don't know the first thing about the bible. I disappointing God good and well throughout my life and I really did it yesterday. I wouldn't blame him if he never helped me again. I want to be perfect in someones eyes, mostly God's but I'm not. I never meant  all the bad things I said or did in my life. I just want to go away. Get away from my friends and family. I want to go somewhere where there is no pain but I won't escape it either way. No this is not a suicide note but I'm really tired of fucking up. Its an apology for doing the things I did. I'm sorry.
I love you God.
Current Mood: scaredscared
Current Music: safe-westlife
Kylie Rae
16 June 2012 @ 08:15 pm

So some stupid tweeny gothic wanna be belieber bitch had said Just Drew Bieber was the reincarnation of Kurt Cobain. And then said Kurt Cobain didn't have a big fan base. THEN turned around and said she didn't knwo who he was.

okay. okay. okay

if Kurt had reincarnated into Just Bieber I would have killed myself a long time ago.
The only song I ever like by him was pray.


and to the Bielibers who believe Justin Is bigger than kurt

Thank you and good night.
Current Location: I don't even care
Current Mood: angryFUCK YOU ALL.
Kylie Rae
26 April 2012 @ 10:15 am
In math class and I get nothing at all.

3x • 8 = ?? (something or whatever) hate this.

things that suck -

8th grade (school in general)
being a teenager
stupid people
getting grounded

(sure there will be allot more things that will suck later on in life but that is it for now!)

Current Location: Planet earth
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: in the air tonight - phil collins